I must have stared at that damn text for three minutes.
At first I thought it must have been from someone else and I’d clicked on it, mistakenly thinking it was from him.
But after blinking at it and staring at it until the message started to blur, it sunk in that yes, it really was from Jonathan. Saying he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend.
I was completely confused. I wasn’t even mad. I was just…bewildered. I just could not reconcile this news with what he had told me about himself, the things I thought I knew. My finger hovered above my phone and I honestly didn’t know what to write back.
So I decided to pour myself a glass of wine. Because at this point I didn’t really give a crap about The Plan.
Then I started to cry.
Because I didn’t believe him.
There was something about the way he said it. The timing of the text, that made me feel he wasn’t telling the truth.
I hadn’t heard from him the day after he’d said he would come visit, which was unusual. And then the next day either, which was even more unusual. So I’d finally called him. He didn’t answer and then texted back that he couldn’t talk. And I just knew, knew at that point, that something had shifted. So I asked him about it. I could tell that annoyed him, as he gave me vague and sort of philosophical responses. Then I brought up the visit. And I could tell that annoyed him even more. But because I am me, and I can’t let sleeping dogs lie, I kept pressing him. And that’s when he sent me the text of the reconciliation.
But there was no follow up, no “I’m sorry” or “I know this must come as a surprise,” or “Let me explain.”
There was just…nothing.
And because of that, I didn’t believe what he said. What I did believe was that he was grasping at the one thing he could say to shut me up. The one thing he could say to make me leave him alone. Because I had pushed too hard. Again. Even though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t.
I drank another glass of wine.
Nine times out of ten, Zeke is the person I call whenever I’m in emotional dire straits. Zeke has known me for a very, very long time so he has seen me at my best and he has seen me at my worst. I do not have any fear that if I am hysterical with him I will lose his friendship. I know he can handle it. So I called him. But his phone went to voicemail. So I told the whole sorry tale to the empty space, with weeping words.
I sat on my couch and looked at Jonathan’s text. I then sent some rather snotty and immature messages in the hopes that at least he would respond.
He did not respond.
Looking back, this does not surprise me. They were pretty pathetic. I did not do my writer-self justice at all.
Then I had another glass of wine.
And instead of the escape I’d hoped for, a storm began brewing in my head, with thoughts crashing into each other, over and over.
I began pacing the apartment.
This was all my fault. It was my fault for pushing so hard. This never would have happened if I could have just ‘enjoyed the experience’ like everyone had told me to. Everything would have been fine if I could have managed myself better. If I could just get it together.
I called Jonathan many more times than is lady-like that night, to try to get some sort of clarity on all of this.
But he never answered.
Time went on and the hurricane in my head intensified. What was wrong with me? Why did I have to ruin everything? When was I finally going to act like a normal person? Tears streamed hotly over my cheeks and neck and I hated myself.
At 11:30pm, I wiped at my eyes and looked at the clock. It was too late to call anyone. And I didn’t have anyone to call.
I went to the kitchen to plug in my phone. And then I sank to the floor and sobbed.
And then, I called My Ex.
Not Quite A Cougar 
Oh Trace. Sending you a cross country hug. Xoxo
Aw, thank you Kate!! I will take it 🙂
Oh Tracey. I’m taking your phone away. I love you!
No more texting or calling him. Xoxoxo. I love you.
🙂 Love you too!
Oh gosh! You are writing my story! I do /did the same thing you described… not going with the flow…pushing for answers…the whole hurricane thing. Big hugs to you. 🙂
Thank you so much Alison! It actually makes me feel better to hear you say that because sometimes I think I am the only one who struggles with this 🙂
I’m sure if be struggling with the same thing if I were still in the world. Im just glad I’m
Not in the dating world anymore where the phone has become such a prominent tool. It would drive me crazy because it’s such instant gratification ( texting) instead of waiting for a call. Times have changed. You’ll get there for the right person. I know it 😉 plus long distance is hard so it’s hard to just sit back and enjoy it. Even though you should have. It’s easy to say could have should have. I hope you weren’t thinking I was putting it all on you last night ( i was behind in reading very behind the so was catching up, he should have made plans to come to see you next … You both should have. There shouldn’t have been any restrictions placed on the relationship so soon) it was time to just have fun with it. Hard distance is so hard though. It’s hard not to be scared Whatever is meant to be will be. I love you.
Sorry love but I really do believe in intuition BIGTIME and I also think you need local man! 🙂 xoxo
Thank you Monika!! xo
No matter how many times I try to “just let things happen”, someway somehow I just DON’T!! I may even pull it off for a few days or even stay strong for a few weeks but then it is all sabotaged in one moment when the crazy anxiety thoughts hit and I just can’t “play it cool” for one more second. I’ve come to the conclusion that when it’s “The Right One”, you will know because you will never have any of these “crazy hurricane” moments. “The One” will not make you feel uneasy or unsure or anxiety ridden, the amount of attention and reassurance that you need will already be there and the questioning will be non-existent. Not to say that it makes it easier to let a potential love interest go when people say “he’s not the right one”…but be at ease knowing that it wasn’t right for one reason or another and you are now more available for “The One”. Love you!!
I love this thought, xo – thank you. Love you too.
I remember when you and I were on the phone one day when rich and I started dating we were just talking but nothing at all came up about rich. You stopped me and said “wait why aren’t you talking about the drama with this guy there has to be drama” and I said ” there isn’t any, it’s as easy as breathing” and even though he and I have had our ups and downs I’ve never questioned him and I it’s always been as easy as breathing. The one…trace, will be as easy as that! I promise and that’s how you will know! That was the moment with you I knew he was different. You won’t question everything you will feel secure and even if you don’t you won’t need to ask him for some reason you’ll just know it’s different …it just takes finding him. You will
Thank you Jenn. I totally agree with you – it will be easy with the right person. But I think you also need to realize when you’re behavior is hurting you, yourself. So onward and upward!
Ew.
Being completely ignored like that would even send ME into an emotional hurricane state…it just shows a complete lack of regard for one’s feelings which is unacceptable, no matter what the nature of the relationship is.
I’m sorry this happened to you like this but I’m HAPPY for you that it was short-lived.
Thank you SP 🙂
I don’t know when your blog post actually happened, but if there’s any remnant of the feelings that drove you to write it still there:
Oh, Tracey…you are loved, you are fabulous, and Jonathan was just not the one. Not that I come from a place of really any experience, but I don’t think you’ll have to pretend to be someone else with a man who is right for you. I think either you will be loved the way you are, for who you are (or despite! like in The Notebook) or you will be your best you because he doesn’t strike the crazy chords.
I believe we should all spend our lives growing and striving toward our best selves, but living under the belief that by our very nature we eff things up…well how can THAT be a recipe for happiness and fulfillment? For being half of something fabulous?
You know how nothing is all good or all bad? That there’s positive and negative to everything? Well, then psychotically overly-analytical, plex-y people such as us aren’t all bad, either! We don’t just concern ourselves with us, but with others; we’re not just sensitive about me, me, me, but external things, too. Take away the “bad” side, and you remove the good, too. You are good, too. And, again, loved.
Thank you so much for this Elisabeth! I want to print it out so I can read it over and over 🙂
Then I have done my job. 😉 And I mean every word. For you, for me, for anyone who goes through what we have and are and will go through. Life is HARD for most of us. But there are flowers and sunsets and thunderstorms and airplanes and puppies and things we haven’t seen yet and people we haven’t met and no reason not to be excited about the prospects, both positive and, uh, educational. 😀
Woman next time you can call me. I’m 3 hours ahead and rarely go to bed before 1am. Big hugs!
Thank you so much Fabi!!
Sweetie you can call me anytime day or night!! Please know there is nothing abnormal or uncommon about the way you felt or reacted to this whole situation. He simply was not the one and thank the universe you did not invest anymore time or energy into it. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. You are an amazing, beautiful, talented, smart woman who needs to see herself through the eyes of those who love her the most. I know that this might not ease the sting (I have been there before) but know you are loved, admired and treasured by so many people. Huge hugs to you love and let me know if you ever need to talk. oxox
You are so sweet Cons. Thank you so much for this note. I am so lucky to have friends like you who love me so unconditionally 🙂
Yes you do but only you can turn the corner for the right person.