I love working on this blog. I really do. Through this project, I’ve made new friends, strengthened relationships I already had and made contact with people all over the world. My life has been enriched in ways I never could have imagined.
I consider it one of my greatest achievements.
But one of the challenges of writing this blog, is that if I’m going through something particularly painful, because I write in real time – I have to publish it right away. I’ve found that if I hold onto posts, they start to clack around louder and louder in my head and it makes it harder for me to move past the situation. That is the reason I posted three times back to back last week. The situation with Jonathan was difficult for me and I knew if I tried to stagger the posts, it would make it very hard to let go of it and move on. That is also is the reason why I am posting this today. I’d rather not think about that night anymore.
I published My Ex Has Been Reading My Blog when I did, for the very same reason.
I may occasionally have to shift or tweak conversations and locations to make things work logistically, but all the ‘plotlines’ in this blog are real. So everything that happened in that post really did occur, that conversation happened. But the truth of the matter is, I knew that even though I concluded with, ‘And now, this chapter is over,’ that I was not over My Ex. Not even close. But I had to write him out because writing about him was killing me.
Over the past few months, I’ve tried to reconcile the fact that he will always be in my life, because I want him to be, but not in the capacity I’d hoped for. I’ve done this on my own and also by talking to him. We’ve had many conversations, some good, some not so good, but as we struggled to find some sort of relationship that worked for the both of us, one thing finally became clear to me.
We will never be together again as a couple. I know this. But what I also know is that no matter what the circumstances – even if we’ve just gotten in the hugest fight ever, even if we haven’t talked in years, that if one of us really needs the other, we will be there. That is certain.
So while it may seem odd to call your ex-boyfriend in tears over a guy who just blew you off, to me, it made perfect sense.
And My Ex was a freakin’ champ that night.
Luckily he was up to date on the posts, so I didn’t have to give any back-story. So I just went into it – how I’d screwed things up again, like always, that I was a disappointment to myself and everyone else, that I’d lost faith in myself. That I was a total failure.
And he listened.
And then I cried. A lot. It was that kind of crying where your stomach hurts from the effort and you can’t speak and your hands are wet from your tears and you find yourself looking down at yourself from above and saying, “Wow. I am REALLY crying here.” And it wasn’t even about Jonathan. It was about all the months and years of frustration and disappointment. The years of hope that things would get better and feeling like now, they never would. It all came out that night. I was broken. I was shattered.
He continued to listen.
And then he told me I was not a failure. That I was not a disappointment. That he had faith in me. That I was going to be okay.
Little by little, piece by piece, he put me back together.
The next morning I woke up to a sweet text from him that he’d sent before he went to bed. And also a text from Zeke apologizing for being asleep when I’d called. I responded back that maybe I’d just move in with him and we’d end up being life partners. And he wrote, “Copy that,” which for some reason totally cracked me up and still makes me laugh.
On my way to work, I thought about what My Ex had said to me. And the main thing was that I was going to be okay. Not that everything was going to be okay – because that is not true. Everything is rarely okay in life all at one time. But that I was going to be okay.
I have so many great men in my life, not just My Ex and Zeke but my Dad and Sean and Paul and Wade and Archie and so many others that I haven’t even written about yet. So I know first hand there are great guys out there. I just have to find mine.
I’ve already thanked My Ex for that night. But since he’s awesome and deserves it, I’m going to say it again.
Even though he hates this sort of public fawning. 🙂
So, thank you honey. I am lucky to have you on my side. Then, and now.