There’s something I haven’t told anyone. Not my friends, not my family. Not even The Fun Committee.
But here it is:
I have a crush on someone.
I liked this person the second I met him. In my mind, he is funny, sensitive, smart, driven, successful, deep. Of course, I have no idea if any of this is true. I’ve only met him a few times, as he is one of those friend of a friend of a friend people. He could perhaps be a collector of dead mice and addicted to taking snuff. I don’t know. But that still doesn’t mean that thinking of him doesn’t make me all giggly and giddy and ridiculous.
I find myself, when I am talking to My Crush, doing that thing I do when I’m nervous. I get flustered and can’t think of anything to say so I just look away into the abyss like I’m thinking of something profound. Too profound to share. I like to think it makes me look pensive, intelligent and thoughtful. But really, it probably just makes me look awkward.
The last time I felt this way about a new guy was a long time ago. Like years ago. My reaction was the same; graceless conversations and clunky interactions. I had a lot of insecurities about this guy – he was younger than me, good-looking, on a career fast-track, and had the kind of natural ease that made him get along with everyone. We went out on a few dates, which were actually super fun (he likes Brandy’s so clearly, he’s awesome) we had country music dance-parties at my apartment, inside jokes about people we both knew and had a solid witty text banter. But as time went by and I found myself liking him more and more, my behavior changed from awkward to downright bizarre. I became more self-conscious around him and as a result would drink too much on our dates and act irrationally and bitchy in order to protect myself from seeming too into him. This escalated to the point that he finally decided not to date me anymore. I don’t blame him, of course. Luckily, this story has a happy ending, as after a few Facebook messaging sessions, we smoothed things out and now are friends.
I had felt so fearless on my Date One. Like I could meet up with anyone and come off as calm, cool and collected. Tossing my hair back and shooting off droll repartee with ease and flair. I see now, this was only because I wasn’t interested in the guy. There was nothing to lose so I could afford to be confident. But it seems that if I am around a person I really like I become a weird, glazed-eyed, voiceless, non-entity. And sometimes worse.
My first thought when I met My Crush, was, “Someone like that would never like me.” I realize, objectively, this makes no sense. I don’t know him. I have no idea if I am his type or not. But the confidence I had with someone like Date One completely dissipates with someone I’m excited about.
The last encounter with My Crush he’d innocently asked, “Hey, how have you been?” and I’d replied with, “Oh yeah, hey, yeah, you know, good, yep.” And then I’d taken the straw from my drink and put it in my mouth in a not at all alluring way. And then I’d said, “All’s well, you know. You know how that is.” And then I’d stared into the abyss. It was then I realized I might be having some issues.
That night, I sat down and decided to take a good, hard look at The List. And it wasn’t altogether pretty.