Tag Archives: Grief

The Next Chapter.

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“Tracey. You can’t be serious.”

I laughed.  She always was such a drama-queen.

“Well Tina, yeah, I’m pretty serious.”

“But how will I know what’s going on with you?!”

“Um, we’ll talk like normal people?”

“Ugh. You know what I mean,” she said and I could hear her pouring another glass of wine.

It was Monday night and My Boyfriend was at band practice. This gave me the perfect opportunity to catch up on my reality crime TV, drink wine, and have a long overdue phone date with Tina.

Tina’s husband, Hank, was watching the baby so we’d been able to have a nice long chat. Over the course of the past hour, we’d gone through the normal topics – her son Jordan, My Boyfriend, people we knew in our hometown, her husband, her job, The Cat.

And then I’d told her about the blog.

Which was, that I was done with it.

Continue reading The Next Chapter. →

Are We In The Clear Yet? Part Two.

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Back in February when I was still working, both my co-workers Lacy and McKenzie had urged me to download Taylor Swift’s 1989.

This did not sound like a thing I  wanted to do.

“I’m telling you – it’s amazing. Perfect running music,” McKenzie had said with reverence.

Lacy had nodded in agreement. “It will change your life.”

“Fine,” I’d said. I downloaded and listened to it once.

“Not for me,” I’d declared the next day.

They both looked at me and shook their heads sadly as if to say, “She just doesn’t get it.”

Continue reading Are We In The Clear Yet? Part Two. →

Are We In The Clear Yet? Part One.

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“I don’t think we’re going to make it.”

This is what I wanted to respond to my friends when they’d check in to see how I was doing.

“How are you adjusting, love?” they’d ask.

“Is it wonderful to be home?!” they’d inquire.

“How is your Boyfriend?” they’d wonder.

“Do you miss New York?” “Have you found a job?” “How is The Cat?” “I miss you so much!!”

And all I could think to reply was:

“I don’t think we’re going to make it.”

But I never said that.  Because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me.

Continue reading Are We In The Clear Yet? Part One. →

Sometimes You Just Need An 80’s Rock Playlist.

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I’d like to apologize to anyone who was at that Going Away Party.

I was supremely awkward.

This was because there were some people who knew about my Mom, and were offering their condolences, and others who did not know, so therefore with them, I felt I had to act ‘normal’. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust my other friends with the information, it was just that I had no idea how to possibly bring it up.

I mean, there’s no bigger way to kill the mood of a party than to reveal that your Mom had just passed away the week before.

Continue reading Sometimes You Just Need An 80’s Rock Playlist. →

Party Time.

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I rolled over and looked at the clock.

Fuck.

It was two.

In the afternoon.

I raised my hand to my eyes to block out the sunlight and rolled back over to my other side. I wanted more than anything to continue sleeping. I was just so, so tired. But I had to get up.

This day, I had to get up.

Continue reading Party Time. →

May Flowers. Part Four.

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Two days after my Mother passed, it was Mother’s Day. My Boyfriend and I were still at her house, wrapping things up. It was my last day before I was to return to NYC. As I’ve mentioned, I now have a really inappropriate habit of writing things in my head before they happen. Picturing how things will unfold and how I’ll feel about them. Since Mother’s Day was the day I was supposed to be in NYC participating in the race I’d been training for, I thought I would post a picture on Facebook and Instagram of my feet in my new running shoes with the caption being something about how I was supposed to be in NYC to run in the Mother’ Day Race, but instead I was home after saying goodbye to my own sweet Mother. And then I’d state that I was still going to run the four miles in her honor.

And that I loved her.

I thought this would be a lovely tribute. But in reality the reason I wanted to do it was more selfish. One thing I’d realized was that I’d rather everyone just find out at once, rather than have to awkwardly respond to various individual texts and messages from friends who didn’t know, them saying, “Hey!! What’s been going on? Are you getting excited for the move home?? 🙂 ”

Continue reading May Flowers. Part Four. →

May Flowers. Part Three.

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If someone would have told me this next part of the story before, I would have said, “Oh, isn’t that sweet? Trying to hold onto some part of your loved one while they passed? Well, whatever you have to do,” and then probably awkwardly patted their hand.

But it’s true, I know the exact moment my Mother passed. I had spent the morning at her side, saying all the things I ever wanted to say to her, because although she had never regained consciousness, I truly believed she could hear me every time I was there. But I never actually said  goodbye because I was afraid that would scare her. After I wracked my brain to make sure there was nothing left to say, I told the nurses I was ready.

And then I left.

Continue reading May Flowers. Part Three. →

May Flowers. Part Two.

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I had asked My Boyfriend to not join me for hospital visits as I knew my Mom would not like for him see her in that condition. So later that day, I went back alone where I told my Mom about our day. “We got burritos from that place by the grocery store, you know it right?” And then silently reprimanded myself for asking a question when she couldn’t answer. “So anyway, I got a burrito and when I was halfway through, I saw there was a lint ball in it! A LINT BALL! How does that even happen? I mean, I can understand a hair or a bug, but a lint ball?”I shook my head in disgust. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

Then I told her how we’d taken My Dad, who’d come up for the day, to see our rental house that afternoon and how he’d loved it. “I took some pictures,” I said. “I can’t wait to show them to you.” And I thought I may have seen her nod.

But maybe not.

Continue reading May Flowers. Part Two. →

May Flowers. Part One.

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I’m not going to get into the details of my Mother’s death but I will say, it was was very shocking and it was very unexpected.

A few days after my dinner with Lux and McKenzie, I received the call that she was in the hospital. It was the morning of my date with Sean and Thalia to see The Lion King and when I hung up, I was bewildered, and  freakishly thought, “I guess I’ll get ready for the show now.” I began to get dressed but as I was putting on my shoes, I started to shake uncontrollably.

You know, that kind of deep internal vibration that makes you feel as if your organs are going to rupture.

Continue reading May Flowers. Part One. →