After our fight, I had planned on punishing My Boyfriend by sleeping on the couch. But it ended up being really cold that night, so later I crept in bed.
I made sure to keep myself and The Cat on our side though.
The next morning when he said, “I love you, Tracey,” before he left for work, I rolled away from him and didn’t respond.
Which is something I promised myself I would never, ever do.
“I don’t think we’re going to make it.”
This is what I wanted to respond to my friends when they’d check in to see how I was doing.
“How are you adjusting, love?” they’d ask.
“Is it wonderful to be home?!” they’d inquire.
“How is your Boyfriend?” they’d wonder.
“Do you miss New York?” “Have you found a job?” “How is The Cat?” “I miss you so much!!”
And all I could think to reply was:
“I don’t think we’re going to make it.”
But I never said that. Because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me.
“Do you want a Xanax?”
“No thanks.”
“Are you going to have a drink?” I asked, as I crammed the stack of gossip magazines I’d bought for the flight in the seat pocket in front of me.
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?” I was confused. My Boyfriend is not a big drinker but still, I could not fathom why anyone would ever want to fly sober.
“I don’t know,” he said and shrugged. And then he leaned down to The Cat’s carrier at his feet and unzipped the secret opening where he could pet her undetected.
“Oh my god,” I said. “You don’t want to be out of it in case she freaks out!”
He smiled. “I just want to be prepared. For anything.”
And I knew in that moment that he meant not only The Cat, but me, and my reaction to this trip.
“You are the best man,” I said.
“Did you pick that outfit out yourself?!” McKenzie exclaimed, as she walked across the bar towards me, beer already in hand.
“I did! How did I do?” I asked, as I gestured to my low-cut green satin romper. I had accented it with thick gold necklaces and the high-heeled gold sandals Sheri had given me the previous Summer.
“I love it! You look fantastic,” she said. She turned to my right. “Oh my god, hi!! I have to give you a hug. I feel like I know you already!” She hurled her arms around My Boyfriend. “I’m McKenzie!”
I smiled at them and then looked around the bar. Sheri was chatting with Sean. Caitlyn was catching up with Bea. Marlie was perched on one of the leather couches with my old neighbor, Cody. Bree, her boyfriend, and Lin were gathered around a tall table, sampling an appetizer platter. My friend Hana, who’d just moved back to town from Boston, was at the bar with our friend EJ. All my nearest and dearest NYC friends, together in one place.
This is what I loved most about my experience in New York. I’d met people from various jobs, or places I’d lived, or friends of friends or wherever but over the years, my good friends had become good friends and in the end, I realized we had created a big, quirky, fantastic, loving family.
And it was this family that was at my Second & Final Going Away Party.
I’d like to apologize to anyone who was at that Going Away Party.
I was supremely awkward.
This was because there were some people who knew about my Mom, and were offering their condolences, and others who did not know, so therefore with them, I felt I had to act ‘normal’. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust my other friends with the information, it was just that I had no idea how to possibly bring it up.
I mean, there’s no bigger way to kill the mood of a party than to reveal that your Mom had just passed away the week before.
Continue reading Sometimes You Just Need An 80’s Rock Playlist.
I’m not going to get into the details of my Mother’s death but I will say, it was was very shocking and it was very unexpected.
A few days after my dinner with Lux and McKenzie, I received the call that she was in the hospital. It was the morning of my date with Sean and Thalia to see The Lion King and when I hung up, I was bewildered, and freakishly thought, “I guess I’ll get ready for the show now.” I began to get dressed but as I was putting on my shoes, I started to shake uncontrollably.
You know, that kind of deep internal vibration that makes you feel as if your organs are going to rupture.
Two years ago, I reached out to my NYC friends and asked them, “If you only had one more year left in the city – what would be the things you’d most want to do?” I received a really unique and fun list of true NYC experiences. I vowed to do one thing a month until I had gotten through the whole list.
Naturally, since then, I’d done none of them.
But now, because I only had two months left, I was galvanized to make my way through my NYC Bucketlist. I prioritized the things I wanted to do and set about each week making one thing happen.
It was a really amazing journey.
Last Spring one of Thalia’s friends, Alicia, who now is a friend of mine, asked me to join her “Do One Thing a Month That is Out of Your Comfort Zone” group. This group would meet on a weekend day and participate in a challenging dance class or a creative painting class or a unique cooking class or any of the other cool classes NYC had to offer. It was after one of these classes, when I spotted the storefront that would change my life.
Back in October, when My Boyfriend and I decided to finally give our relationship a go, there was no doubt we would eventually move back to Our Hometown in California. I don’t think we even discussed it. It just was understood. After all, it was where we met, all those years ago in high school, and we adored the town. We both still had tons of friends there, my mom was there, and the rest of my family was close by.
The only thing was – when we began planning the move, the thought of actually leaving NYC terrified me.
The friends I’d made, they were truly my East Coast Family. I couldn’t imagine being without them, meeting for last minute happy hours or brunches, catching up on the critical details of our lives. My cute little apartment, with it’s exposed brick wall and five points of outdoor light that kept it bright and airy even on the darkest thunderstruck days. My fun neighborhood where I’d wave to the shopkeepers on my way to the subway each morning. My company – a place I loved going to, a place I’d laughed probably more than anywhere else. And there was my new role. I’d only been in it for four months so I really needed more time and experience before I could feasibly look for a new job in a new location.
My lease turned over every year in May but I felt like seven months was too soon to make such a big move. It made my stomach cave in on itself to even think on it.
So we decided on May 2016. Nineteen months. That seemed the right amount of time for me to build my resume, and for both us to say goodbye to our friends and respective cities.
So it was settled. We’d move in May of 2016.
Not Quite A Cougar 