Tag Archives: Online dating

Date Three. Part One.

“Are you going to do a statement lip?”

“Well, considering I don’t even know what that means, I think the answer is no.”

“Okay,” Lux said, as she pulled up a variety of nail polish images on her office laptop. “From what you’ve told me about your outfit, here are some choices of what I think you should wear.”

“You have a whole Pinterest board just for nails?” I asked.

“Of course!” she exclaimed.

“I think I like that one,” I said and pointed to a deep purple shade.

“Good choice,” she said, nodding. “Very popular for Winter.”

I sat back in my chair and sighed. “God, I hate getting manicures. I was supposed to do it yesterday but I blew it off.”

She was wide-eyed. “Why would you hate getting manicures?”

“Because I hate strangers rubbing my hands with all that lotion and they clip your cuticles and the filing noise makes my teeth hurt and it’s all just so gross!” I shuddered. “And not to mention, then you have to sit there for 10 minutes while your nails dry and you can’t touch anything, not even flip through a magazine, and it’s so supremely a waste of time and SO BORING.” Continue reading Date Three. Part One.

Sorry Fellas.

“Hi Bradley – I’m so sorry but I think it might be best if we reschedule. I’m home sick from work today and I’m not sure how I’ll be feeling tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is think I’ll feel better and then cancel last minute and waste your time. Is there any evening you are available next week?”

And then I wrote something which I thought was cute and charming. I’m not going to put it here, just in case it wasn’t so cute and charming after all. I don’t want to know. Continue reading Sorry Fellas.

Breaking the Fourth Wall.

Usually I hate it when bloggers devote an entire post to speak directly to their audience. Nine times out of ten, it’s to sell something or ask for donations or beg people to share/repost their site or something equally annoying. I’ll roll my eyes and click out immediately, sighing in judgement. I’m a bit more sympathetic now as, having seen a little of the (surprisingly extensive and brutal) world of blogging, I more understand it. But still, I don’t like it.

Today, I am breaking my own rule. Continue reading Breaking the Fourth Wall.

A Change in Plans.

Lux was the last to arrive, breezing in and saying, “Sorry I’m late! Did you guys start already?” Naturally, we hadn’t. She settled into her chair, looking chic in her skinny jeans and high-heeled boots. Her blonde hair was perfectly styled. I bit my lip. Since my trip to Venice, I’d slipped back into some old habits. Well, okay, yeah, all of them. I’d been so busy writing, I’d stopped working out, was eating pizza for every meal and, I’m sick to admit it, even having the occasional cigarette. Okay, maybe not so occasional. I was also back to wearing my old uniform of ill-fitting dresses, black leggings and knock-off Uggs, as these renewed habits were doing no favors for my waistline. I couldn’t fit into my Sheri-approved outfits anymore. I just was so tired of trying to keep it all together.

I looked around the conference room as everyone was involved with chatting and laughing and catching up on company news. “Okay, guys,” I said. No one paid any attention. I cleared my throat. “GUYS.” I may as well have been shouting into the wind. I sat there for a second and shook my head. What a collection of characters. The Fun Committee, Emily and Anna were there, of course. As well as our intern, Tara. Archie was to my right, with our graphic designer, Lux, to my left. There was also a newcomer today, Lainie, who now worked with Emily on her team.

This, was my Social Media Marketing Team. Continue reading A Change in Plans.

Date One.

There was something going on with my eye. I don’t know if I got Oil of Olay in it or what. But the right one was totally red and sickly looking. This is the kind of thing that, naturally, only happens when you have a job interview, when you’re at an event where you’ll have your picture taken often – such as a wedding, or if you’re going on a first date.

Which is what I was doing today. Continue reading Date One.

My Ex Has Been Reading My Blog.

“Are you sure you aren’t using this as an excuse to contact him?” Veronica asked. We were having our usual Sunday phone chat, where it was early afternoon for her in Portland so she was getting ready for CrossFit and it was late afternoon for me in New York so I was getting ready for the workweek ahead.

“I…,” I had to stop and think about that. “I don’t think so.”

“Okay,” she said warily.

“No,” I said with more assurance, as I filled my Monday through Friday vitamin packets. “I’m not. I have to tell him. If he hears I’m writing about him from someone else, he’ll be really pissed.”

“Well, let me know how it goes,” she said.

“I will.”

In all honesty, he would probably be pissed regardless. My Ex is the most private person I’ve ever known. He doesn’t even post things about himself on Facebook. It’s either about his band or some sort of informed political rant. Meanwhile, I’m like, “Hi everybody! Now I’m chewing blue gum!” Continue reading My Ex Has Been Reading My Blog.

Zeke Comes to Visit. Part Two.

Zeke let me cry into his shoulder for awhile on the couch. Then, after I’d wiped my nose on his sleeve, he’d gotten up to find me some Advil. “So, what’s going on Trace?” he asked, as he rifled around in the medicine cabinet.

“He doesn’t love me anymore!” I wailed. I flopped into the couch and buried my face in a pillow.

“Well, yeah,” he replied. “That’s what happens with breakups.”

“You don’t understand,” I said. But he couldn’t really hear me. Continue reading Zeke Comes to Visit. Part Two.

We’ll Say We Met at Starbucks.

“I think I’m pretty cool.”
“I am very busy discovering the world we live in.”
“Duty is a turn-on.”
“I love to smile.”
“I’m looking for someone with pretty hands and feet.”
“I love epiphanies.”
“If u have a problem with me being 5’4″ then ur are missing out!”
“I live to inspire people and be inspired. I would like more of everything.”
“I’m not good at describing myself…you would have to talk to me, or meet me to know me.”
“You should message me if you love intellectual gymnastics, but you understand that the poetry of the everyday can not and should not be forced.”
“How can I be better than I am today? A better teacher…. a better lover… a better human being…”
“The woman I’m looking for: She loves to talk but observes long silences peacefully and appreciatively.”

Oh my. Who the fuck were these guys? Continue reading We’ll Say We Met at Starbucks.

When life gives you lemons, send that shit back and demand champagne.

“I’m sorry I drunk texted you all night last night.”

“Trace? What the hell time is it?”

“Um, ten o’clock here so I guess seven o’clock there?”

“Trace, I don’t care if you drunk text me all night. Drunk text all you want but don’t call me at seven in the morning on a Saturday and wake me up to apologize for it.”

“Okay, um… But do you still have an OkCupid profile?”

“Oh shit, okay. I can see you’re not going to go away. Hold on.” I could hear Zeke pull himself out of bed and move to the bathroom. He clicked the door shut. Then he reemerged and I heard the familiar flick of a lighter to light his cigarette. “Alright, what’s going on?”
Continue reading When life gives you lemons, send that shit back and demand champagne.