“You know what’s funny?” I asked Bree. I then pulled my jacket tighter around my chest.
“What’s that?” she asked. She then blew on her hands to warm them.
We’d just finished seeing ‘Gone Girl,’ (which is an awesome movie to see if you’re having any problems in your relationship, as when you leave you’ll feel like, ‘well, at least we’re not as fucked up as those people’). Initially we’d hopped into a cab after the movie, but the traffic had been so bad we’d abandoned that plan once we hit our neighborhood. This was a wise idea as we were now moving faster, but also an unwise idea because it was freakin’ freezing outside.
Continue reading The Day After The Happily Ever After. Part Two.
There was something going on with my eye. I don’t know if I got Oil of Olay in it or what. But the right one was totally red and sickly looking. This is the kind of thing that, naturally, only happens when you have a job interview, when you’re at an event where you’ll have your picture taken often – such as a wedding, or if you’re going on a first date.
Which is what I was doing today. Continue reading Date One.
“Are you sure you aren’t using this as an excuse to contact him?” Veronica asked. We were having our usual Sunday phone chat, where it was early afternoon for her in Portland so she was getting ready for CrossFit and it was late afternoon for me in New York so I was getting ready for the workweek ahead.
“I…,” I had to stop and think about that. “I don’t think so.”
“Okay,” she said warily.
“No,” I said with more assurance, as I filled my Monday through Friday vitamin packets. “I’m not. I have to tell him. If he hears I’m writing about him from someone else, he’ll be really pissed.”
“Well, let me know how it goes,” she said.
In all honesty, he would probably be pissed regardless. My Ex is the most private person I’ve ever known. He doesn’t even post things about himself on Facebook. It’s either about his band or some sort of informed political rant. Meanwhile, I’m like, “Hi everybody! Now I’m chewing blue gum!” Continue reading My Ex Has Been Reading My Blog.
“I’m sorry I drunk texted you all night last night.”
“Trace? What the hell time is it?”
“Um, ten o’clock here so I guess seven o’clock there?”
“Trace, I don’t care if you drunk text me all night. Drunk text all you want but don’t call me at seven in the morning on a Saturday and wake me up to apologize for it.”
“Okay, um… But do you still have an OkCupid profile?”
“Oh shit, okay. I can see you’re not going to go away. Hold on.” I could hear Zeke pull himself out of bed and move to the bathroom. He clicked the door shut. Then he reemerged and I heard the familiar flick of a lighter to light his cigarette. “Alright, what’s going on?”
Continue reading When life gives you lemons, send that shit back and demand champagne.