Tag Archives: Breakdown

Are We In The Clear Yet? Part Two.

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Back in February when I was still working, both my co-workers Lacy and McKenzie had urged me to download Taylor Swift’s 1989.

This did not sound like a thing I  wanted to do.

“I’m telling you – it’s amazing. Perfect running music,” McKenzie had said with reverence.

Lacy had nodded in agreement. “It will change your life.”

“Fine,” I’d said. I downloaded and listened to it once.

“Not for me,” I’d declared the next day.

They both looked at me and shook their heads sadly as if to say, “She just doesn’t get it.”

Continue reading Are We In The Clear Yet? Part Two. →

Hometown Holiday Hot Mess. Part One.

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“I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!”

“I know, baby,” My Boyfriend said as he reached over from the driver’s seat and squeezed my knee. “But it’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I feel sketchy!” I cried, as I doubled over and attempted to take in huge gulps of air.

“You’re okay. Just lay the seat back and try to relax.”

It was the last day of my Christmas visit and we were on the way to SFO from our hometown to drop me off for my flight back to NYC. As we’ve all seen, I am not a good flyer under the best of circumstances but today with the added exhaustion, anxiety and nausea, I was not doing well. At all. I sat up and shielded my eyes as I looked out the window. Sausalito whizzed by, illuminated by the too-bright morning sunlight.

I laid the seat back and closed my eyes tightly. Then I whimpered, “I don’t understand why this is happening.”

“Well, we went big on Friday at Hometown Holiday Drinks,” My Boyfriend was saying. “And then yesterday at Lana’s brunch, you girls were hitting the champagne pretty hard.”

“I know, but I drank plenty of water last night and we went to bed early,” I said. “I should be okay.”

“Well, we haven’t had a lot of downtime overall,” he pointed out.

I opened my eyes and sniveled, “I kind of over-scheduled us, didn’t I?”

He smiled and reached to the backseat. “Here. Take my jacket and use it as a pillow. Try to get some rest.”

I took the jacket and folded it beneath my head. “I don’t feel well.” I looked up at him.

He looked down at me in pity. “Baby, if you’re not feeling better by the time we hit the bridge, I think we should change your flight to tomorrow.”

“But we’re trying to save money for visits!” I insisted.

“I know. But it’s only money. And it’s breaking my heart to see you like this.”

“I think I’m going to throw up,” I muttered.

“I think you’ve hit the wall,” he said.

“I think you’re right,” I replied.

Then I turned over and pulled the jacket over my head.

Continue reading Hometown Holiday Hot Mess. Part One. →

Piece By Piece.

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I love working on this blog. I really do. Through this project, I’ve made new friends, strengthened relationships I already had and made contact with people all over the world. My life has been enriched in ways I never could have imagined.

I consider it one of my greatest achievements.

But one of the challenges of writing this blog, is that if I’m going through something particularly painful, because I write in real time – I have to publish it right away. I’ve found that if I hold onto posts, they start to clack around louder and louder in my head and it makes it harder for me to move past the situation. That is the reason I posted three times back to back last week. The situation with Jonathan was difficult for me and I knew if I tried to stagger the posts, it would make it very hard to let go of it and move on. That is also is the reason why I am posting this today. I’d rather not think about that night anymore.
Continue reading Piece By Piece. →

Hurricane Crazy.

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I must have stared at that damn text for three minutes.

At first I thought it must have been from someone else and I’d clicked on it, mistakenly thinking it was from him.

But after blinking at it and staring at it until the message started to blur, it sunk in that yes, it really was from Jonathan. Saying he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend.
Continue reading Hurricane Crazy. →

Repeat Performance.

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“You’ve run out of chances, Tracey. This is it.”

“I know,” I said in a small voice.

“The next time you do this, the next time you say you’re out, I’m going to take you at your word.”

“I know,” I said quickly. “And I promise, promise it won’t happen again.”
Continue reading Repeat Performance. →

Beware of the Wordsmith. Part Two.

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“I guess it’s a good thing I got more wine.”

I opened my eyes and lifted my head painfully. I tried to figure out where the voice was coming from. And where I was. Slowly I focused in on her and the room surrounding her, and it all came back to me. I was on the couch. In Nicole’s living room. At her house in San Diego. With an almost empty wine bottle on the coffee table next to me. I rolled away from her, trying not to cause my head anymore trauma. I was using her dog as a pillow and he shifted his large, comforting chest beneath me. I snuggled into him.

I could hear Nicole move to the kitchen. She was home from work, so it must be around 6pm. I wished I hadn’t woken up. “Oh. Yeah. Sorry,” I said. I closed my eyes again.

Running the span of Manhattan, East to West, is 57th Street. You can literally take a bus on 57th from the East River all the way to the Hudson. Not that John and I ever took the bus. We took cabs, like civilized people.

It had been a little less than a year since we’d met on that sound-stage. And as promised, we’d both traveled back and forth to see each other until, eight months into the relationship, I’d sold my car, gotten rid of my apartment, said goodbye to my agents and moved to John’s townhouse in Michigan.

A few months later, he was transferred to the NYC office of his agency, which had been all part of the plan. Once we arrived in New York and were set up in the company-paid-for luxury 57th Street apartment with multiple doormen, rows of elevators and a huge, marble lobby, I was to revive my acting career and spend the rest of my time working on the sorority book. John didn’t want me to get a day job – he said I didn’t need to since he made enough money to support both of us. This was a good thing as, although I’d made a very lucrative living as a commercial actress, my union had been on strike for awhile and work had been lean before I’d left LA. I was running out of money quickly. I was really happy at that time. I was engaged to the man I loved, had my days free to myself and man, oh man, did I ever love New York.

So you see, Shannon? Things really were awesome. Just like I said they would be.

🙂

Continue reading Beware of the Wordsmith. Part Two. →

Zeke Comes to Visit. Part One.

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Zeke showed up in my doorway with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder and a Starbucks coffee in his hand, after having made the long drive from Boston to NYC. There were many times over the years when Zeke had been on the East Coast for work but had never come to see me. This had caused many of our arguments. But a few days ago he’d announced an impromptu visit for this weekend. I had a sneaking suspicion this decision was not a result of him suddenly wanting to see the sites of New York or even to see me really. I had a feeling this was mostly because he was a little worried about my current state of mind. He knew this was the weekend My Ex had been scheduled to come out from California. That trip had been cancelled, of course. And although I’d told him I was doing FINE, he’d still insisted on coming out. Continue reading Zeke Comes to Visit. Part One. →