I recently had the opportunity to cheat on My Boyfriend.
Now before you all get riled up, no, I didn’t put myself in a compromising position. I wasn’t at a bar slinking across a velvet lounger with the thin strap of my sparkly dress falling fetchingly off my shoulder, laughing lightly and sipping a cosmo that was bought for me by a charming gentleman leaning into me on said lounger.
It wasn’t like that.
Everyone who’s ever met The Cat has agreed she’s pretty much the cutest thing they’ve ever seen.
Honestly.
It’s the truth.
I’m not just saying this because I live with her.
“Okay. Tell me. What is it?” Sheri asked as she pulled the lid off her soup cup.
I opened my cheese sandwich and removed the wilted lettuce. I placed it in a pile on my plate with a deep sigh.
“This is not going as I’d hoped,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
We’d met for lunch between our two offices so we could fill each other in on the latest news of our lives. We usually order our meals ahead of time at Chipotle so we can avoid the extensive line and just pick up our food and grab a table. But we’d been running late on our plans and had to settle for a mediocre diner instead.
“You know what’s funny?” I asked Bree. I then pulled my jacket tighter around my chest.
“What’s that?” she asked. She then blew on her hands to warm them.
We’d just finished seeing ‘Gone Girl,’ (which is an awesome movie to see if you’re having any problems in your relationship, as when you leave you’ll feel like, ‘well, at least we’re not as fucked up as those people’). Initially we’d hopped into a cab after the movie, but the traffic had been so bad we’d abandoned that plan once we hit our neighborhood. This was a wise idea as we were now moving faster, but also an unwise idea because it was freakin’ freezing outside.
Continue reading The Day After The Happily Ever After. Part Two.
“Omg.” McKenzie IM’d me.
“I know.” I replied.
“OMG!”
“I KNOW!”
“You have a boyfriend!!!”
“I know! It’s so weird!!!”
It was the morning I’d posted, “My Ex Comes to Visit. Part Two”, where I’d revealed My Boyfriend and I were going to give our long-distance relationship a go. Everyone was aflutter with the news, because even in my real-life, I hadn’t told many people we were even in contact. Instead, I’d wanted them to be surprised by the post. Which was either incredibly dedicated, restrained and creative, or incredibly unhealthy, bizarre and unnatural.
I haven’t decided yet.
Continue reading The Day After The Happily Ever After. Part One.
I often wish I was one of those people who, when faced with a period of uncertainty, would make it a point to get extra sleep, eat nourishing, empowering meals and meditate quietly on how everything happens for a reason and so therefore, there is no reason to worry.
But as we all know, I’m not.
I don’t really know what turned things around for My Ex. Actually, that’s not true, I do know. But that is not my story to tell, so I won’t. But I will say this. Ever since that call in July, he has never wavered. Not even once. There was no back and forth or indecision.
But as we’ve all seen, I’m not the easiest person to “date.” I can be insecure, needy. I can get paranoid, I can drink too much. Sometimes all those things at once. In the beginning of the three months before his visit, I was so nervous he would change his mind that I would regularly get hysterical and freak out and and accuse him of ‘playing me’ and shriek things like, “I won’t tolerate this! I won’t!!”
Then, the next morning I would call him up and say in a meek voice, “I’m sorry.” And then in an even meeker voice, “Are you still coming?”
And his response was always the same: “I’m still coming, Tracey.”
The Fun Committee had convened in the Cafe, along with our part-time 21-year-old intern from NYU, Tara. The Cafe is an empty office that my company had turned into a hodgepodge lounging space complete with a working cappuccino machine and random scarves and pillows strewn everywhere. There is even a colorful collection of plastic tambourines arranged on the desk. I don’t know why.
I pulled out my notebook as Anna finished up making our coffee drinks. “Guys,” I said. “We have a situation.”
“What is it?” asked Emily. “Did the location for Office Happy Hour fall through?”
“No. Something much, much more serious.” I took a deep breath. “OkCupid is not working out.”
Emily’s expression darkened as she fired up her laptop. Tara straightened up and pulled the pen from her make-shift hair bun. She poised it over an empty notebook page. Anna somberly placed a cappuccino in front of me and put a hand on my shoulder. There would be no talk of Amanda Knox on this day. Continue reading If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try…Ugh.
“You’re too pretty.”
“You intimidate men.”
“Your online dating profile is too long, it makes you look crazy.”
“You look down too much when you walk.”
“You don’t get out enough.”
“You have your headphones in when you’re on the subway.”
“You come across as a bitch when people first meet you.”
“New York City is a hard place to meet someone.”
“You just haven’t found the person who will accept your flaws.”
“You don’t say ‘hi’ to strangers.”
“You don’t try hard enough.”
“You have a cat. It makes it look like you’ve given up.”
“You don’t show enough cleavage.”
These are the reasons people have given me for why I am still single at 42. As each of my friends have paired off over the past decades, I’ve often wondered why it really is that I am still single. It certainly wasn’t what I’d hoped for or planned. What was I doing wrong? I have my own list of why I think I’m still single. It is:
I never meet anyone my own age.
I hate shopping so my wardrobe is still stuck in 1995.
I would rather be home watching Investigation ID than go out.
I need to lose 10 pounds.
I have a compulsion to drunk-text.
I know nothing about music.
I can’t cook. I smoke cigarettes.
I’m an over-sharer.
I talk too much and too loudly.
I always look tired because I have insomnia. Or I’m hungover.
I’m too needy.
I’m too pale.
I have a cat. It makes it look like I’ve given up.
I don’t show enough cleavage.
I recently reconnected with my high school boyfriend. I hadn’t talked to him in 14 years but I can say honestly, he’d never been far from my mind. I’d always loved him. When we got back together six months ago, I said to myself, “This is why I’ve been single for so long! High School Sweethearts Reunited! What a great story this will be! I can’t wait to update my Facebook status!” But it was not meant to be. I was crushed. I thought this was finally my Happily Ever After. Continue reading IF YOU ARE NEW TO THE BLOG, START HERE: When One Door Closes, Another One Opens. Even If You Have to Kick It Down.
Not Quite A Cougar 